music; take me over

sighs.. i saw you today again.. while i was waiting for annsley to come.. went to meet her so that i can collect my birthday presents.. ya ya i know i very bhb.. she said she had TWO bags to give me.. so you dont expect me to collect it from her during school tomorrow right? so the most logical was.. today.. yeah..

so there i was.. waiting for her.. when i saw caspar.. haha.. dude.. you look uglier now than before.. but i guess i've already told ya that.. what i didnt know is that ya and te chun are in the same band.. woah.. oh wells.. good luck dude.. as long as ya get another singer i'm sure ya guys will do well enough.. hahas..

yeah.. so there i was waiting for anns at the mrt control station and who i see on his way to the toilet? you.. you just walked past without looking at me.. figured you didnt see me.. waiited for you to come out, hoping that anns would take her time to come.. when you finally came out.. i waved and you came over.. we started chatting.. it was nothing much at first.. just small talk.. "how are you? oh.. how's your prelims" that sorta stuff.. and then came the laughs.. i guess i still enjoy talking to you after all this time.. after all.. that's one of the reasons i was attracted to ya wasnt it? you could have just gone off.. but no.. there you were.. chatting with me.. even when anns's train arrived and so did she.. we just stood there chatting.. until the awkwardness of the situation forced us both to say our goodbyes..

i didnt expect to see you walking out of comics connection.. but there you were, holding a brand new rave.. i admit.. i thought you wanted to just walk off and ignore me like you used to.. but no.. you stopped to throw away the plastic.. it's like you were actually waiting for me to go over so we could talk again.. i asked you to let me see the book.. and you made me say please.. then pretty please.. while you held up the book and tried not to let me grasp it.. man.. we were both behaving like kids.. but since when have i cared about that? i've got a very thick skin y'noe.. things just bounce off me..

back to where i was.. right. after that i asked you to lend it to me.. and you asked if i was sure.. sure i was sure. i love the anime rave.. but just not now.. now i'm stuck with the last story in my 2oo3 readers' digest select editions.. after that i WILL borrow rave from you.. i will only buy samurai x or flame of recca comic.. but even then.. i'd rather watch the anime than buy.. you said to message you whenever i wanted to borrow it.. and i said sure.. and you warned not to message too late.. since you had 2 numbers and you changed them every half a month or so.. so fun.. -.-"

oh wells.. after that i messaged you.. cos i forgot to ask you if you have flame of recca.. and we chatted.. a while.. i cant really remember what exactly i said.. but i guess i must have said something overboard.. or were you just teasing me as i was teasing you? you said "lo.. i failed maths n u failed manners.. dun lend u until u learn to be polite.." polite? i'm not polite? hmmm.. i thought i was.. quite.. i dont know.. im so confused..

is there something more to us? or am i just.. looking too much into things? i'm so afraid.. so afraid that i'll fall for you again.. once is enough pain and hurt.. it took me so long to forget everything.. years.. even til now i still can remember some things.. but i realize that it was all one-sided.. now that you're back in my life.. well not exactly.. but i keep seeing you around.. i dont know what to do.. i keep thinking of you.. fantasizing even.. i wonder if God has a reason for putting you back in my life.. are we meant to be? i really wish you'd just tell me.. how you feel etc.. maybe once and for all that you've never liked me or what.. then at least i can stop all this.. when i met you just now i felt so excited.. so happy.. so exhilarated.. now i just feel.. hollow.. i really have no idea why you make me feel this way..

during tuition kristel (octopus) asked why didnt i have a boyfriend.. she said i looked as though i have one.. do i? i really dont know.. right now im not particularly interested in anyone.. except him i guess.. and perhaps raymond.. yeah i know i said im over him but it takes time y'noe.. i still felt hurt when during my birthday the only thing he said was "happy birthday".. it's such a disappointment after last year.. when he called the day before just to wish me.. oh well.. i'm thinking too much.. but other than that.. no one else.. yeah.. back to tuition.. i told her that maybe it's because "no one likes me".. not that im a loner or something.. but maybe that's true.. y'noe i meant 'like' in what regard.. and what she said next stuck to me... she said maybe they were not used to "strong girls like you".. which made me wonder.. am i really that strong?

i dont know.. maybe to others i am strong.. but to myself.. i'm about as strong as your average person.. perhaps a lil' stronger than most.. im contradicting myself arent i? i'm weak.. i need people to confide in almost all the time.. i feel so negative even though people look at me and see an optimistic person.. to me.. i feel like two different people.. that all everyone else sees is just a facade.. i distant myself by appearing not to care.. by being happy-go-lucky.. by being the i-dont-give-a-fuck-about-everything kinda person.. by being the whatever-dude kinda gal.. and just like jazreel said.. a very bo chap person.. perhaps im just trying not to let things get to me that's why i erected all these invisible defences to protect myself?