| Friday, August 11, 2006 |
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i know i haven't blogged in ages, but what the heck.. i'm tired, i'm aching and i don't know what to say. usually, when i have stuff i wana blog about, i end up forgetting about it, or being too lazy, or having no time, or having one gazillion and one excuses and in the end, i'll just end up not doing anything about it. yeah. that's me. so many things have been happening lately, and they all happened so fast that on looking back now, it felt as though they'd all happened at the same time. simultaneously. kinda irritating, cos i know i have a really leaky memory, but yeah. sighs. dad's company has got some management changes in japan (the headquarters) and apparantly the top guy "has something up his sleeve" (quoted from my dad), so he may be back soon. well, the nice part is that there's a car and position waiting for him in singapore, but he's still waiting for someone up there to make a decision. if he comes back, it'll be the usual office day job he has been doing before he left for shanghai or doing the regional work and take care of the regional expansion programme. one main thing is that there is very little work to be done in singapore since a lot of companies are moving their manufacturing over to china. on the other hand though, another forwarding company (dad works in a freight forwarding company) in shanghai is offering him a position, but no return date. which means that he probably has to stay on in shanghai till he retires or loses his job. the reason why they want him to be there long term is to manage the whole air operations; i.e. about 120 offices. good point is there'll be lots of things for him to do, he told me as much when he first went over to shanghai; bad point? he won't be able to spend time with us. or maybe he will. they're talking about migrating there.. only problem stopping them is the lack of friends there and... me. i wana continue studying in singapore, and i've let them know as much. i don't wana waste this whole year if i go china and repeat pre-u. sighs. =( and to complicate matters, there is a third company offering my dad a job too. they're based in singapore and looking for someone to look after singapore offices. it's almost the same as his curernt company, but much bigger. dad said he'd meet up with them if there's a chance, but i don't think he's too keen on them. unless he makes up his mind to work in singapore, then i think there's a big chance that he'd switch to this company. if i stay in singapore alone, i'm probably not going to do all the housework and cook and all that stuff. save maybe like once in a week or two. and i don't think you'll find me at home very often. don't know if you guys remember, but last year when they went shanghai without me in june, i wasn't at home everyday - save the first 3 days i slack around at home. just treated home like a hotel, BUT i did my chores like washing clothes etc. just not cleaning, vacuuming or mopping. *bleahs* and the second time in december when i was home alone for a week, the same thing practically happened again. sighs. oh wells. so. what do you guys think? he wants my suggestions.. sighs. i like having my dad around, but when he is, i tend to get into a lot of fights and arguments about what time i gotta go home.. whereas with my mum alone, she doesn't really care. cos even if she says no, i'll still go. as long as i'm back by a certain time and i let her know beforehand. trust.. and the things it does. =) and there's this other thing... i duno how to explain, but i think the best way to sum it up is that i'm afraid... of commitment. long term commitment. and of being close to someone that way.... why can't i be like others? like cliffy who's just waiting for someone he could be with? or alicia who keeps changing bfs? sorry babe. i didnt mean it in a bad way. i just meant that it's so easy for you to fall in and out of love and it seems so easy for you to accept it when people you like ask you to stead. i can't. i'm cynical. about love. i'm delusional. i want it all, but i can't, or i refuse to accept that it is real. that it would last. i don't know why or when i've become this way, but it's getting really REALLY hard for me to open up to someone. and triply more so when it comes to bgr. maybe it's just like mich said. i just miss being loved. but that's not true, and i know it. i finally found someone who loves me, who has been proving that he does love (or at least like a lot. hah.) me for the past weeks or more, but why can't i just say yes and accept everytime he asks to stead? why do i keep pushing it off, keep holding out for something else - something i don't even know? something scares me as much as all that, or perhaps even more - am i really that superficial that my bf has to be really cute before i say yes? i hope not. will time solve it all or will time make things even worse? you don't know till you try, that's what everyone says. but i'm too afraid to try. too afraid of the consequences, for me or for you, i've no idea. i like you so much it hurts to even think what would happen to you i just stop things now, not to mention "if"... and after what you've been through.. i couldn't bear to put you through it a second time. and so recent.. but i'm selfish enough to care about my own self tooo.. and it's this selfishness that's the main part causing me to hold back so much..... this sucks. i'm sorry. really. i know how much you want us to be together, but.. sighs. =( |
| 'please don't stop the music 6:18 am |
now playing :
| song of my life. |
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Past the point of no return - no backward glances: the games we've played till now are at an end. Past all thought of "if" or "when" - no use resisting: abandon thought, and let the dream descend . . . |
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| Writer |
| I am an eighteen-year-old student currently attending Republic Polytechnic. I enjoy reading, writing, chilling, intelligence, and sarcasm. My goals in life include being a professional slacker, wasting as much of my time, life and intelligence away, sleeping a minimum of 12 hours everyday, being a successful bum, and maybe, possibly, someone you could bring home to meet mom with. |
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| Credits |
| This layout was created by Coram Deo. Other credits go to X X and X |
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