| Saturday, December 02, 2006 |
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fuck it. i just can't sleep! it's one bloody am in the morning and i've training at 7.3oAM at scc tomorrow. so why can't i just be like one of the normal people around here and go to sleep now?! then i wouldn't have big, huge, eyebags that make me look like such a frigging panda. arghx. it's weird. i never realized how much i enjoyed talking to you everyday. maybe it's just a habit, maybe it's just something that happened cos it did, but i really miss talking to you right now. it's like you've become so distant, so far away from me. what changed? tell me. talk to me. it never used to be like this.. it was only recently, sunday, or monday, after i told you about him being cute and all that. anything wrong with that? then again, maybe i'm just being stupid. what's that they said about friends come, friends go? i've never believed that, not for real friends anyway.. oh well. someone asked me question today, and it's really got me thinking. went to siteX again, for the 3rd day in a row, but this time 'round went with si rong cos no one wanted to accompany him (poor dude), and cos i wanted to.. well, see that someone again. HAH. (i'm hoping neither mich nor si rong sees this. cos i'll be so screwed. =X) oh well. now that i think about it, that was pretty much a stupid idea. nevermind. what's done's done. so anyway, it being a friday, and me skipping school and all, i decided to dress up, girlify myself a little. just a little. no. don't gag. please. y'noe, sometimes, you just feel the urge to doll up a little. seems like i'm giving in to those urges quite often these days... but if you're in db, you'd feel that way too. cos you'd feel the need to prove to the guys that no, you're not less of a girl than the others just cos you have muscles, and you're so much more tanned and fitter than the rest. instinctive reaction, i guess.. hah. but well, i wasn't in the mood for totally girl, since i was still in a pretty bad mood, what with my mum nagging and blah. so i settled for my usual giordano black polo tee, brown skirt and puma slingbag, but with my purple glitter eyeliner and my new red, retro hairband - finally gave in to the urge to buy myself one of those; 3, to be exact. hahahaha. - . okay, back to where i was.. that someone, when he saw me, asked, why you wear makeup all that so nice when come from home? you going meet boyfriend arh? and i just replied the first thing that came to mind - that it's a friday. as expected, i doubt he understood. most people just don't get that it sucked to be stuck at home on a friday. i'd rather go out then stay home anyday, but especially when i was already at home the whole day. kept thinking about that question for the rest of the night, though.. now i realize, that what i should have said, was that i'm not a guy, so why can't i put on makeup? and it's just glitter eyeliner... -.-" sometimes, i get kinda irritated when guys just treat me like one of them, but other girls like girls.. guess that's why i wana "girlify" myself.. to remind them, that behind all the crude jokes and whacking, i'm still, essentially, a girl. i'm just torn between the two, i guess.. being treated like one of them's fun. you don't have to exasperate yourself telling them that you're not gona just fall apart any minute, so they could stop treating you as though you're made of glass. not to mention the fun they have. sorry i keep mentioning the "fun" word. i can't think of anything better to describe them, than that. lols. on the other hand, i do get jealous and pissed off sometimes when they are sooo nice to the other girls, but not me. ahhahaha. that doesn't sound like me, but yeah well.. i was kinda shocked when nigey and hung said that rach and gissy like me a lot and wana be like me. be like ME? cos i'm the only one who can bully them, and who they're "scared" of. uhh.. -stunned silence- yeah right. kinda touched though, since that's the first time anyone wana be like me. don't understand what's there to wana be like me, in the first place anyway. i'm too cranky, violent, stubborn, boyish, sarcastic and vulgar for my own good. there. i've admitted it. however, i did not say that i'm scary. no, i'm not scary. since when am i scary? i'm so nice and sweet and cute AND bhb that you guys just all love me right? ahhahaha.. don't worry, love y'all loads too.. =D oh yeah. that reminds me.. i guess one of the reasons i liked ed so much was cos.. well, he treated me like a girl, right from the start.. yeah, there'd be times he'd treat me like one of his buddies, but most of the time, i was, first and foremost, a girl to him.... something which is really quite new to me. that, and the fact that when i was with him there was just only him and me. cliched, i know. but i never knew that really existed outside storybooks and romance novels... which made me really scared of commitment, and since i'm not a long-term person either, thus the stupid mistake i made in pushing him away. stupid. really really stupid. but i can't live in the past either.. if it's meant to be, it's meant to be. since things ended up this way, i guess they're not. smile, and the world smiles with you. happy for him now, but sometimes i'd just find myself yearning for him, remembering him, and the times we spent.. or i'd just think about what we'd do, or say, if we saw certain things.. haa.. well, now i'm just kinda confused about that someone.. your friendster display pic and status are two totally different things, and i don't know which to believe. i just can't work up the courage to ask you; or maybe it's just that i don't wana get my hopes up then dashed again.. then again, i might be just thinking too much.. i think that's it. i'm thinking too much!! but you know what? i think i've got a crush on you. damn~ mandy moore's "crush"'s playing on my laptop. stupid itunes. read my mind.. -.-" oh well. just have to wait til it fades, then.. bloody toot. =X in the meantime, i shall not, cannot, will not, message you anymore. haa. have a nice day. |
| 'please don't stop the music 1:11 am |
now playing :
| song of my life. |
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Past the point of no return - no backward glances: the games we've played till now are at an end. Past all thought of "if" or "when" - no use resisting: abandon thought, and let the dream descend . . . |
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| Writer |
| I am an eighteen-year-old student currently attending Republic Polytechnic. I enjoy reading, writing, chilling, intelligence, and sarcasm. My goals in life include being a professional slacker, wasting as much of my time, life and intelligence away, sleeping a minimum of 12 hours everyday, being a successful bum, and maybe, possibly, someone you could bring home to meet mom with. |
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Free shoutbox @ ShoutMix |
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| Credits |
| This layout was created by Coram Deo. Other credits go to X X and X |
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