| Wednesday, January 03, 2007 |
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i've never been like this. i've never felt like this... tell me how.. i've always been an extremely rational person...... yes, sometimes i let my heart rule over my head.. but never this much...... usually i rationalize, i think, i doubt.. i think through every pro and con, for every relationship, every ex i had.. i wonder how long we'd last.. the reasons we should be together, and the reasons why we shouldn't.. i doubted their sincerity, i doubted their feelings.... there must always be, i thought, a reason why people say and do this. why they say they feel this. and i dug up that reasons.. to convince myself, my mind, that it's worth it... guess you could say i've never let myself really "fall in love"... so-called... this time round, i let myself just.. go with the flow... hah.. yeah i know that's a really weird way of putting things, but well.. like i was trying to explain to mich that day, it was just.. spontaneous.. i didn't do the things i usually did; i just went along with my feelings.... does it make sense to say that i didn't think, i just felt? it's like when you suddenly, on an urge, decide to take the leap to bungee jump.. you just close your eyes and feel the wind rush past you, feel the exhilarating pull on your whole body... and all the other sensations that i can't describe to you cos i've never bungee jumped before. hehs. then when you've finished falling and screaming and being so totally lost in those precious few moments, you'll open your eyes.. and everything that you've done in the past few minutes (or hours) will just rush into your brain.. why this, why that.. blah blah blah.. your brain starts taking control.. you start thinking logically.. and bam! you get sucked outta dreamland, while the real world just gets back at you... with a vengeance. he says i think too much, and yes, i agree. but even acknowledging that fact doesn't stop it from occuring. it's like when we're together, everything's alright. the whole world's alright... but when we're apart, suddenly all the doubts and insecurities just come crashing back down on me.... fuck sia. take for example, new year.. i was like so pissed/irritated/frustrated/disappointed/angry with him.. whatever man.. felt such a jumble of emotions that i guess i lost myself somewhere.. but the minute i saw him, i just forgot everything i was feeling.... everything. i just wanted to cry. sit there like a big baby and just cry my heart out.. (hopefully with him holding me or whatever lahh) but of course, i didn't.. couldn't.. didn't let myself to.. couldn't afford to.. i duno lahh.. but that's why i dao him the entire time from the bus stop all the way back to a.c.c... cos i couldn't speak.. it's like everytime i opened my mouth, with the intention to speak, but not actually speaking, i could feel myself about to start crying again..... i guess it's a credit to me that my voice didn't break! actually, it did. sorta. he just didn't notice.. cos he thought i was so angry with him.. i wasn't.. not anymore.. sorry mel.. ain't angry with ya.. seeing ya so sad and guilty made me feel so much worse... but like i told ya, i couldn't help not talking to you.. i felt like such a coward.. >.< if you know me well, you'd know that the last thing i'd ever do, is cry in front of others. no matter if it's my besties, my parents, my relatives, my boyfriend, even.... yeah.. but the minute we stepped into wild wild wet, i suddenly managed to regain my calm.. i guess it's the work? the place? i duno.. i managed to feel calm, and stay calm, and put on that fake smilee..... which lasted until somewhere in the middle of the morning when the kids managed to replace it with a real one... they're so cute! i guess that's what i love about this job... the kids! hee.. oh well.. great new year i had, huh? sorry for being so emo, so moody.. just had to get it out.. >.< |
| 'please don't stop the music 1:35 pm |
now playing :
| song of my life. |
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Past the point of no return - no backward glances: the games we've played till now are at an end. Past all thought of "if" or "when" - no use resisting: abandon thought, and let the dream descend . . . |
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| Writer |
| I am an eighteen-year-old student currently attending Republic Polytechnic. I enjoy reading, writing, chilling, intelligence, and sarcasm. My goals in life include being a professional slacker, wasting as much of my time, life and intelligence away, sleeping a minimum of 12 hours everyday, being a successful bum, and maybe, possibly, someone you could bring home to meet mom with. |
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| Credits |
| This layout was created by Coram Deo. Other credits go to X X and X |
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