| Thursday, August 02, 2007 |
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the greater your expectations, the greater your disappointment. don't expect anything from me, cos i don't wanna disappoint you. i've had enough of it. enough of being a disappointment. a failure. a whatever. enough of not performing. not being up to standard. not using my brains, and whatever else. enough of not doing, of not being the perfect person you think i should be. that's all i am to you, what. one big disappointment. the subtle hints, the snorts of derision, the sarcasm. you think i can't pick up whatever it is that you're feeling? and people ask me why i'm hard. i'm hard cos i need to survive. cos that's how i survive. i stopped being what you wanted me to be so long ago.. yet, it still hurts. every lil' thing you say or do, or worse yet, leave unspoken, hurts. you still can fault me for being one of those young teenagers nowadays who go looking for love outside, when you don't let love be the basis, the rock, the foundation, of our relationship. yes, you love me, that's why you scold me. that's why you push me. that's why you do everything that you do.. i can see that. but i want so much more... is it wrong? i guess it's time that you open your eyes and see that that's not working anymore. don't you see that it hurts and makes me rebel the more you try to use reverse psychology? a lifetime of it..... it has its effects. it's like antibiotics. take it once, take it twice, take it thrice. it still works. take it for 17+ years..... and the effects are almost non-existent. everyone asks me, at some point or other, why aren't you in jc? why are you in poly? why are you in RP?!! my answer, is usually that oh, jc life's very boring. lects and tutorials sucks. i like my course (which at that point only rp offered). i like pbl. but you know what? the answer is pretty simple, actually. i wanted to rebel. i did exactly the thing that no one expected me to do. that no one wanted me to do. i thought.. i thought i was being my own person. proving i am who i am. that i make my own decisions, my own choices. my friends, some of them, envied me. now, i see only too clearly what mr peach meant, what my parents knew would happen. i didn't want this stage to be like my sec sch life, where i'm stuck somewhere i hated, some place i didn't wanna be. i wanted to choose my own environment. (which, like my sec sch days, is soo off.) so, the smart me is stuck in poly, knowing that i can't ever get into nus or ntu cos my grades just plain sucks. (just think, i'm absent nearly one third of the time in school. or more.) i'm just stuck here, watching my friends prepare for their prelims, their As, prepare to go to uni, preparing to go some place i COULD have gotten in, but now can't. now you know why i'm so touchy. now you know why i was so rude, why i just walked away when all she did was give a derisive hmpf when i said that no, i haven't interviewed that zouk person about my pp. and why, why you shouldn't rib me about all this right now. i might very well throw a tantrum right in your face. sounds fun eh. i hate how people always say, hey, you're smart. you can do it if you want. so why aren't you? my heart, it hurts. there's this little twinge of... regret? of.. of.. of bitterness.. cos i know it's true. of course i know. you think i don't? i just don't want to. don't feel like. can't be bothered. lazy. tired. brain dead. no mood. and so the reasons piled up, one after the other, till it was high enough, wide enough, to fill the entire room with hundreds of thousands of logical, reasonable, rational reasons and arguments why i CAN'T do it, but not one reason why i CAN. see, i can fool myself into thinking whatever i want myself to think. but inadvertently, the truth will confront me one of these days. i'm just waiting. this sucks. life sucks. |
| 'please don't stop the music 12:57 am |
now playing :
| song of my life. |
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Past the point of no return - no backward glances: the games we've played till now are at an end. Past all thought of "if" or "when" - no use resisting: abandon thought, and let the dream descend . . . |
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| Writer |
| I am an eighteen-year-old student currently attending Republic Polytechnic. I enjoy reading, writing, chilling, intelligence, and sarcasm. My goals in life include being a professional slacker, wasting as much of my time, life and intelligence away, sleeping a minimum of 12 hours everyday, being a successful bum, and maybe, possibly, someone you could bring home to meet mom with. |
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| Tag |
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Free shoutbox @ ShoutMix |
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| Credits |
| This layout was created by Coram Deo. Other credits go to X X and X |
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