| Monday, April 14, 2008 |
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i'm just a kid....... and life is a nightmare. sighs. so many things have happened..... and all in just this year alone. so many things have changed, yet everything still seems the same. how could this be? it's irritating me. everything's irritating me. almost everyone is. this sense of isolation... it's like i'm in a crowd, surrounded by people, yet apart from all of them. that feeling, just plain sucks. i'm trying so hard to put words to feelings, but it all comes out as gibberish. i'm still not getting what i want to say out. sighs. the things that happened conspired to change me, in ways that i still don't understand. or perhaps i do, but i just haven't realized it yet. i'm definitely more matured - in my way of thinking, at least - and i guess now i'm more.... worldly. i've seen things that i shouldn't have, done things that compromised what i believed, and felt things that were just not meant for me in the first place. and..... and i can't say i've come out better for it. i think i came out worse for the wear. i don't know.. yes, i'm a still kid, and i'll always be a kid. that much won't change. i believe in fairy-tales and magic, in love and beauty, in happiness and destiny, in chivalry and genteelness, in culture and refinement, in hopes and dreams, in people and nature, in god and evolution. i'll always be a kid in my outlook, a kid wanting to have fun, and a kid at heart. but right now, i consistently feel as though i'm torn apart; like i'm two different people living as one. and as much as a part of me secretly enojoys being all "grown-up" and doing the "stuff that grown-ups do", most times i feel at odd with myself. maybe it's just being 18-going-on-19. y'noe, that age where you feel so caught in between. reminds me of britney's i'm not a girl, not yet a woman. hah. how do i explain, what it's like to have the real world sullying your naivety, knowing the "truths" that wounded my heart and crushed my soul, experiencing the worse basic side of human nature, yet despite it all, wanting still to go on with life through the eyes of a child, trusting that people are inherently good? naive? no. it's the only way i can survive, being myself. someday, i'll probably have to grow up. someday soon, maybe even right now. but i need to do it in a way that lets me grow up, and still be a kid... talk about impossible. seriously, what is so wrong with this world, that if you're friendly, you're easy, and if you're not, you're snobbish? someone said that once to me, albeit in anger, and it's stuck on ever since. i think it's just so true..... i don't want to be a cynic. i don't want to be jaded by life and human nature, expecting failures and disappointments at every turn. sighs. on a happier note, i finally bought my faded red converse sneakers. but right now, i find little consolation in that. i lost my head you couldn't come this **** to my head almost feels like a gun... |
| 'please don't stop the music 12:00 am |
now playing :
| song of my life. |
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Past the point of no return - no backward glances: the games we've played till now are at an end. Past all thought of "if" or "when" - no use resisting: abandon thought, and let the dream descend . . . |
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| Writer |
| I am an eighteen-year-old student currently attending Republic Polytechnic. I enjoy reading, writing, chilling, intelligence, and sarcasm. My goals in life include being a professional slacker, wasting as much of my time, life and intelligence away, sleeping a minimum of 12 hours everyday, being a successful bum, and maybe, possibly, someone you could bring home to meet mom with. |
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| Credits |
| This layout was created by Coram Deo. Other credits go to X X and X |
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