sighs.

like the proverbial cow chewing the cud when it has... shall we just say, nothing else to do? i feel exactly that way.. there's so much on my mind and i know that for the most part it's 'settled', but when i'm just sitting around doing nothing and the thoughts in my head are left to wander on it's own, these same issues come back and go round and round and round in my head. damn circles are leaving me all giddy and breathless - in a bad, i'm gonna be sick, kinda way. blaaaaaaah. maybe to make up for the pseudo depression i've been having the past week (the whole can't eat, can't sleep, can't do anything symptoms), i've been eating and sleeping like a damn pig the past couple of days. seriously. i wake up around 5pm, eat, tv, open the fridge to find munchies (sadly there's NONE at home), shower to drag myself out to meet shafik, eat somemore, hang out, come back and eat, go online to waste the next 6 or 7 hours, then drag myself to sleep at 5, 6am in the morning. vicious cycle, it is.

mum wants me to clean my room, clear the clothes, clean my table, clean my cupboard, clean the windows, blah blah blah. fuck that. i'm having my fucking holidays and i'm supposed to CLEAN??!?!!??!!!!!!! god only knows i'll have to mug like fuck once school starts on jan 4th cos of the stupid mocks again in feb. WHY am i supposed to clean my room in this crappy 2 1/2 weeks i have left before major mugging??? (i only hope i can endure mugging for 5 months straight.) i don't want to. i don't give a flying rat's ass if it's THERAPEUTIC, or if it makes my room NEATER or CLEANER or produces LESS DUST (= LESS SINUS). i don't want to and that's that. i want to sleep, to slack, to go out, to shop, to eat, to do NOTHING and just be a perfect lazy bum and squander the next 2 1/2 weeks away in perfect bliss. what's so bloody WRONG with that???!!!! yes i know i'm being a perfect whiney self-centred selfish bitch, but who's caring?? i'm so tired from having to mug continuously and being so stressed from exams and falling sick 2 days before my most major papers (yeah, it sucks balls to be so sick everything you knew and learnt, left your brains without a goodbye) that i just want to sleep, sleep and sleep.... of course, and eat too.

whoopee. exams are over. why not go out to celebrate? you know you flunked pretty badly. congratulations, roxx. first major exams in 4 years, it's just a HALF mocks before full mocks in feb and finals in may, and you can't even get it right. oh no, you had to screw it up big time. but that's not all. you know what exactly your parents will say to all that. their disappointment is just the beginning. as always, there's also the 'no matter how well you do it's just never enough for us unless you top the whole fucking wide world', the 'ohhh you were sick? told you to sleep early didn't i?? SO. WHY are you scoring so badly again??', the 'there's no such thing as a tough paper. the only reason it tough is because you weren't studying hard enough', the 'you SURE you're studying out till so late??? yeaaaaaah right. like i sooo believe you.' and they wonder why i escape from home every single opportunity i could - besides times like this when all i want to do is just laze at home. but if say shafik had his own apartment........ i wouldn't be lazing here. oh wait, maybe i would. there's cable at home. i don't know. depends, i guess.

i was happy yesterday. inane grinning and all. he finally gave me my 'belated' birthday present. tiffany and co bracelet. i might not be a brand slut like how some others may be, but even i do appreciate something as fine as tiffany's! and i love the boy all the more for holding out for it even though the past few months have been extremely tough on both our wallets. it's not easy having to support two people on my allowance of 6o bucks a week. (i deducted ten for personal indulgence, therefore the 6o.) can't say what a breath of relief that he's got the dive job and now we don't have to count every penny. and yes, it's kinda sweet that he decided to, and waited till he had the means to, get me bracelet. awww.........

oh, speaking of means......

i hereby solemnly swear that i will NOT ever ever EVER be in that situation whereby i'm that dead broke! can't fucking stand have to scrap for every single meal, let alone other stuffs.

fuck, mum's nagging. i'm off. ciao.